One Step at a Time
by Luppi-tan
Summary: Kyon is in love with Yuki. He can finally admit it to himself. He can finally admit it to her as well. But what will happen between them after the confession? Is this the start of a beautiful relationship. or a terrifying decline into madness? Rated T. No sex.


"You are wrong… Or rather, I should say that instead of being 'wrong', you are simply 'mistaken'." Nagato said quietly to me. I had invited her to go out on a date with me on Saturday. She accepted. I was amazed, frankly, that she didn't turn me down, so I was sure that I would succeed. Maybe overconfidence ruined my chances. I don't fully understand her rather succinct answer to my question, or rather, to my statement. "I love you, Nagato…" is all that I said to her. How could that be 'wrong'? How could I be 'mistaken' about that? I don't understand, and if that's the way it has to be, I'm not sure I want to. The moment she said that, it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest.

Hi. Kyon, here, real name Kyosuke… But everyone calls me Kyon, and I've gotten so tired of correcting people that I've just accepted that stupid ass nickname. I suppose that I should start by saying with absolute certainty that I have never felt so strongly about anyone before the cute, and lonely little bibliophile crossed my path. I never thought that it was possible to have such powerful feelings. I feel ridiculous, now. Humiliated, miserable, lonely, depressed, and absurd all at the same time. Maybe it was insane of me to confess my feelings to an alien. Maybe it was mad for me to fall in love with her in the first place…

"I-I don't understand… I-I thought… You… A-and me… And I…" I couldn't help but stutter. If I had to be known for anything in my class, in my group of friends, it would probably be for always having something to say. But this time, I just didn't. I didn't have anything to say. I was at a loss for words. My heart was in my stomach, and a lump was rising in my throat, like I wanted to cry, but my own body wouldn't allow it.

"Kyosuke…" Nagato said in a soft voice that was so unlike her own usual monotone that it was eerie. This time, it was gentle, and almost pitying. I hated hearing that voice. I wanted to make her stop talking to me like that, and make her never talk to me like that again. I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want someone feeling sorry for me, so much worse if it was Yuki, if it was the girl… No, the woman, I loved. She must have been talking to me, although I was never sure if she knew my name. She never referred to me by name. She never had to. I always just knew when she was talking to me. Something about her manner of speech just instantly caught my attention whenever she had something to say to me. She wasn't outspoken, but she wasn't exactly shy. She was just quiet, and somehow, she seemed lonely… And that was one of the things that made me fall in love with her.

"Please walk with me for a little while. Perhaps when we are done, you will understand…" She said. I gaped at her. That was probably the most she had said to any of us in months at one time. Sure, little by little, she spoke, and explained complicated theories that probably didn't even have names yet to us, or rather, to me in particular… Ironically, I was the one least likely to understand her mumbo jumbo. However, right now, I was compelled to accompany her. No force in the world could stop me.

"Kyosuke… It is understandable that you would believe yourself to have feelings for me. We have been comrades for almost two years, now. I have saved you on multiple occasions, and you have witnessed moments of great weakness for me, and risen admirably to help me through them…" Nagato… No. This wasn't Nagato. I can't call her that anymore. She's too important to me. Perhaps I should start calling her Yuki? Would she mind? She doesn't complain about much of anything, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have opinions and feelings.

"People who are in such situations alongside each other often begin to develop feelings for each other. However, you must never forget that I am not a person. I only appear to be a person because that is the form most suitable for data gathering, and for watching over Haruhi Suzumiya, and thus, you mistake mechanical failure for human eccentricity and emotion. I was not created with the ability to love, nor was I created with the intention to _be_ loved. Any 'attractive' physical qualities that you attribute to me are merely coincidental, and were simply deemed by the Data Overmind to be the most efficient way to create me in order to fulfill my purpose. That is why you are misguided in your belief that you have developed feelings for me. Feelings of romantic attachment are meant to be shown by one person toward another…"

As she continued this longwinded and irritating explanation of why I wasn't really in love with her, I could feel my temper growing shorter and shorter. Finally, I snapped. I'm not necessarily proud of what I said… But I'm not sorry, either.

"Not a person? Not intended to be loved? Who the hell gets to decide that for you!?" I shouted. It's fortunate that we were in a quiet neighborhood, because otherwise, I would have been causing a pretty big scene. "For an all knowing entity, the Data Overmind is the biggest fucking dimwit I've ever heard of! I'm _not_ mistaken in believing that I love you, and I _won't_ let anyone convince me otherwise! So the Data Overmind can shove it! You may not be human. But you're as much a person as I am!" It was then that I realized that I had been shaking Yuki rather hard, and with not a small amount of guilt, I released her, and started to walk away, muttering an apology. I suddenly felt her grab my hand, though. She looked at me for a moment. I looked back at her, and slowly, a smile came to her face… It was something that I had never seen before on her. It was too cute… She pulled me closer, and kissed me. I wasn't sure if this was really alright, but at the moment, I was too dazed to argue.

"Kyosuke… Thank you, but you don't understand…" She said, looking somewhat distressed, and seeming so human in that moment that her look of distress made me want even more to cry.

"Then help me to understand… You're right, Yuki… I don't understand… But I do know that no matter how much you try to convince me not to, I won't stop loving you…"

"Kyosuke… I am sorry… No. An apology is not enough. I never intended, in the course of involving you in my observation of Haruhi Suzumiya, to seduce you. I have committed perhaps the worst sin that I could have done… A-and yet, I don't understand why you feel the way you do about me… I am speaking now in unscientific terms, violating the terms of my programming because there are no scientific words in my databank that can describe how I feel… Love was not meant to compute with my programming. I was made to be more or less an emotionless automaton, but ever since you reset my programming on December 20th, one year, five months and seven days ago, I have been unable to stop accessing my memories of you. I attributed it at first to something akin to a virus, possibly created inadvertently by Suzumiya Haruhi, in order to express her own interest in you by forcing me to experience the same interest through a medium that would be more suited to my own nature. Thus, I scanned my databanks, and found no malicious files of any sort. I therefore attributed it thereafter to simple déjà vu. The problem is that I do not fully understand the emotion that humans call 'love'. So I cannot accurately assess my current state of mind, except to say that I am somehow anomalous."

"Y-Yuki… Love isn't something that _can_ be researched and quantified. It feels different to each person, and everyone just has to learn what it feels like to them. For me, when I'm around you, I get a feeling of warmth, and a sense of safety, like nothing could possibly harm me. When you told me that I was wrong about being in love with you… Well, have you ever felt a pain in your chest, like your heart was about to stop beating?"

"I cannot say that I have… However, there have been occasions where I have been physically injured, and felt something akin to what you call 'pain'. Such sensations are not as powerful for me, as what pass for nerves in my body do not register pain except as a mental trigger to exert a greater amount of force in order to defeat the enemy that is in front of me. Do you understand?"

"I think so. Does that mean that you didn't feel anything when you kissed me?" I asked. Maybe my question was rude. I don't know. I can't begin to fathom what Yuki thinks about that she doesn't share with the rest of us.

"That is incorrect. When I kissed you, my internal body temperature rose by 1.2 degrees Celsius, and I felt something akin to the fluttering of Nymphalidae in my ventricular, and I experienced the sensation of vertigo. It was not an unpleasant feeling, though, and I would like to experience it again, if only to catalog it in order to understand it better." She said. I sighed. Leave it to Yuki to turn "I blushed, had butterflies in my stomach, and felt lightheaded" into a long scientific explanation of physiological reactions. I couldn't say no to an earnest request like that, though.

"Do you mind if I kiss you again, Yuki?" I asked. I was sure that she wouldn't push me away if I just decided to. But it was bad form to do things like that.

"In keeping with my earlier explanation, I am expected to say no. However, I personally do wish to kiss you again, Kyosuke…"

And so, I did. I kissed that lonely little bookworm whom I swore to myself just last February that I had no feelings for. I was lying to myself then, and until just recently, I had continued to lie to myself. I love Yuki, and not Haruhi, Koizumi, Miss Asahina, or even Yuki herself can convince me that I don't.

"Kyon… Why did you reset the world again on December 20th? You could have lived a normal life, you could have dated the other me more and had an easier time of it. Instead you chose to come back to this world. Why?"

"Because after I had experienced so much excitement, a normal world would just be boring… And besides, I couldn't leave you behind. You've grown immensely since I first met you, and I didn't want to lose my chance to watch you continue to grow…"

"No physical changes have occurred in me, Kyon… You are imagining things."

"Not physical changes. Changes here…" I said, pointing to her heart, "And here…" I said pointing to her head. I couldn't believe I was being so mushy. The old me would have ripped my arms off for doing something this stupid, but Yuki just blushed, and actually smiled for once.

My mouth was hanging open. I couldn't believe it. She just smiled. And it was the most beautiful thing in the world. She had a shy little smile, like she was embarrassed, but also happier than ever at the same time. I couldn't believe how cute she was. Seeing this, I pulled Yuki into a hug, again, and held her there.

"You're really pretty already… But you look amazing when you smile…" I whispered. Yuki hugged me tightly after that, and rested her head on my shoulder. You've heard that song, right? You know?

_This is the story of a girl,_

_Who cried a river and drowned the whole world._

_And while she looked so sad in photographs._

_I absolutely love her,_

_When she smiles._

Somehow, this song came up in my mind as the girl with the deadpan poker face smiled for the first time in her five years of life, and it was a rush like nothing I had ever felt.

"Yuki… I love you… Do you still think I'm mistaken?"

"I believe that your feelings of affection are misplaced…" Yuki said nervously, blushing again, and looking as though she was upset. "But… If I am not mistaken, I have feelings for you as well that cannot be described by normal mechanical failure. They are feelings that I do not understand, and I am confused. I am feeling this tightness where my heart is that you described earlier, and although I have run diagnostic scans, there seems to be nothing wrong. Would it be… fear… that I am feeling? I was not programmed to feel such petty emotions, but they seem to be surfacing in me. I predict that the time is fast approaching when my removal from this planet will be imminent. Kyon… Whether I love you or not… I cannot endanger others, and if these anomalies continue to mount, the Data Overmind will deem that the risk of you running amok is less hazardous than leaving me here. I am sorry…" Yuki said…

And that was a true night of firsts for me and for her… Because for the first time, I saw Yuki crying. She was scared. She was just like any other person, frightened of death, afraid of being punished, or of having to leave her friends' sides.

"Hey, Yuki…" I asked, attempting a different approach, although I wasn't entirely sure if it would succeed.

"Y-yes, Kyon?" She asked, calling me by my nickname this time. She was still sniffling slightly, but I continued, not wanting to lose my train of thought.

"Have you ever seen that movie, 'Bicentennial Man'?" I replied. I was fairly sure that she had not, but my point was the same, regardless.

"I have not. Is it a good movie?" Yuki asked, looking uncertain as to how this connected.

"Well, it's about a family who buys a robot whom they name Andrew, and they later discover that he possesses human emotion and intelligence. Although the robot company tries to convince them to return it, since they claim that it must be due to mechanical failure. They refuse, and he continues to grow and change as a human would through the years. Although he is 'anomalous', he never causes any damage or presents any danger to humans and he eventually undergoes a procedure that turns him into a human as well. Just because you weren't programmed to feel as we feel doesn't mean that such emotions are impossible for you, and it doesn't mean that you're dangerous. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked, hoping that I was getting through to her.

"I comprehend the concept of what you are saying. I will attempt to discuss it with the Data Overmind. However, that is no guarantee that it will heed my assurances."

"I'll take any chances I can get." I replied, sighing.

"One more thing. I do not guarantee that I could date you, even if the Overmind does allow me to stay. There is a good chance that it could cause Haruhi Suzumiya to become angry, and that would have broader implications that would make any relationship impossible. I do not think I need to tell you what Haruhi Suzumiya is capable of."

"You don't." I sighed, no longer feeling too optimistic. Yuki seemed to sense my loss of optimism, as she put her hand on my arm, and looked straight into my eyes with those seemingly bottomless helium orbs of hers, and smiled. Her smile was slightly forced, and seemed somewhat unnatural on her. But it comforted me a little bit.

"Do not worry, Kyon. Whatever happens, I will still love you." Yuki said, showing true emotion again. I sighed with relief, and leaned in and kissed her one more time. Then, we smiled at each other, and I walked away. I knew that it wasn't the last such meeting we would have, and I was happier than I had been since I entered high school.

"Kyon! You have a call!" My sister yelled at me from upstairs.

"What!? I didn't hear the phone ringing! Did they just call?" I replied. I thought it was odd that someone would call just as I got home.

"No… They called about forty minutes ago. They said they'd stay on the line… You'd better pick up. She said she'd kick your ass if you kept her waiting too long."

There was only one person it could possibly be. Our infallible and godlike leader, the great Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Hello, Haruhi…" I groaned, not really wanting to end a great night by talking to her of all people, who made me feel like an idiot on the best of days.

"I saw you walking around with Yuki earlier! Then I saw you two kissing!"

"Yeah? So?" I asked defiantly, positively daring her to say anything against it.

"Well, Yuki may be a bit out of your league, but it's not my business who Yuki dates, even if it _is_ you…" She sneered, ending on an almost disgusted note "But let me just tell you this… If you make Yuki cry… I'LL MAKE YOU SORRY YOU WERE EVER BORN!" She snapped, ending the conversation by screaming into the receiver, forcing me to jerk the phone away from my ear.

"And don't think that your relationship excuses you from your club duties! You both still have to show up to every meeting! I'll make an exception for you on Saturdays. I wouldn't want Yuki to complain that she wasn't getting enough time with you…"

I distinctly noted that she made no mention of my desires when she mentioned giving Yuki some time. But then, how was that any different than usual. I was just the pack mule of the group. But, I had grown used to it by now. It didn't even bother me anymore. I might as well just go along with it, since, if I didn't, Haruhi would destroy the world. It was the ultimate threat being held over my head. I resented it at first, but I really like the people that I've come together with in the SOS Brigade, so I might as well make the best of it. In the next moment, the phone beeped. I was getting a call on the other line.

"Sorry, Haruhi. I'm sure that whatever you have to say is earth shatteringly important (literally). But I have a call on the other line."

"Oh. I've said all I have to say. Just remember what I said. Dismissed!" She snapped, then slammed the phone down. I clicked the call waiting button, and the voice I heard was even less welcome than Haruhi's.

"Hello, Kyon…" Koizumi said in his usual lighthearted tone. But I felt like something bad was about to be said.

"Hi, Koizumi. This is the first time you've called me. How do you even know my number?"

"Well, I have some sources through my Organization. But that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to enquire about you and Miss Nagato. I wouldn't ask at all, except the Organization is worried that it could imbalance the world if Miss Suzumiya were to find out."

"She already knows…"

"Oh, dear. That could be a pro…"

"If you say anything more, I'll rip your tongue out, myself…" Kyon threatened angrily. "Besides, Haruhi approved it, as if I needed her permission. She may be God, but she doesn't have the right to tell me what I can and can't do!"

"I admire your absolute trust in Miss Suzumiya, but please don't be too adamant to see that your relationship could potentially cause the world to end. I think you can agree that the world ending would be worse than having to break up with Miss Nagato…" Koizumi said to me in a tone that suggested that he was trying to say it in a way that wouldn't make me too angry.

"Well, Haruhi already called me, and said that she approved… Well, as much as Haruhi can approve of anything…"

"I am impressed. It seems your influence over Miss Suzumiya is greater even than anyone could have predicted…"

Suddenly, the phone beeped again, indicating that another call was waiting yet again. I was sure that it was Haruhi calling again. I wasn't really in the mood to speak to her again. Koizumi had been enough of a buzz kill. Nonetheless, I answered, not really wanting to make Haruhi angry at me. It seemed a poor recommendation.

"Haruhi… Whatever you have to say, it can wait till tomorrow…" I said irritably. However, the voice on the other side was not Haruhi's.

"Hello, Kyon. Did Haruhi Suzumiya already call you as well?"

"Yuki? How did… Nah, dumb question… Yeah, she called. She called you as well? What did she have to say to you?"

"She merely asked how I could fall for a 'dimwit' like you, and if I was sure I was not ill. I told her that I found your company pleasant, and your presence calming and that I had not, of late, come down with any viruses." Yuki said, perhaps attempting to maintain her monotone, but, in any case, failing. She seemed both slightly confused, and happy at the same time. I wasn't sure whether to be confused like she was, or elated that she thought so highly of me… Perhaps I should have also been annoyed that Haruhi still thought so little of me. A dimwit, am I? What the Hell!?

"Kyon… I wish to tell you something… I am not entirely familiar with this emotion that I am experiencing, though."

"Well, that's alright. What did you want to tell me?" I asked, hoping that I wasn't pressuring her too much.

"I… Think that what I am feeling for you is love, but it is a confusing, and slightly distressing emotion. When I find myself in your presence, I experience headaches, and a painful tightness in my chest, and even now, I feel as though I am about to perform the act that humans call 'crying'. I am afraid that this is another indication that I am broken and that I will be recalled by the Data Overmind… I-I-I don't want to have to leave you…"

"Yuki-chan… W-would you like me to come back over to see you? I haven't got any responsibilities tonight. Tomorrow is Saturday, and I'm sure even Haruhi could be swayed to give you and I some time off."

"W-would you?" Yuki gasped. I was surprised at how emphatic she was being. She usually showed all the emotions of a dead fish. But this evening, she seemed almost like a normal girl. I immediately put my shoes and jacket back on, and went back downstairs, passing my sister on the way.

"Hey, could you tell Mom and Dad that I'll be out late? I'll call if I won't be home tonight."

"On your way over to Yuki-chan's house, Kyon?"

"That's Nagato-san to you., and don't call me Kyon. I have a real name. I'm Kyosuke."

"But everyone else calls you Kyon… "

"Whatever. Gotta go." I said, running out of the house, jumping on my bike, and pedaling as quickly as I could over to Yuki-chan's house. I wasn't sure why I was rushing so much. But it seemed the right thing to do, if not entirely necessary. Eventually, I made it to Yuki's house, went into the foyer, and up the elevator. I walked down her hallway, and rang the bell on her door. It was then that I was truly surprised. It wasn't Yuki's voice that came out of the speaker. It was Miss Kimidori's voice.

"Is this the famous Kyosuke?"

"We've met before. Just let me in." I said to Emiri. She nodded, and opened the door. I walked in to find Yuki on the floor by her table, looking much worse for the wear than when I had left her. Emiri gave me a look that wasn't quite reproachful, but wasn't grateful, either.

"You shouldn't have come, Kyosuke-san. Nagato should be having as little contact with you as possible. You are having negative effects on her constitution. The adverse effects would end were you no longer a part of her life. But as that is impossible, you should at least restrict your contact to school hours."

"I don't understand."

"Don't you? You must know that Nagato is _not_ a human. She is a humanoid interface, an android if you will. Her ability to experience human emotion was meant to be limited to an intellectual understanding of the effects that such emotions were supposed to have. However, thanks to Miss Suzumiya, and her brigade, she has broken that mold, and exceeded her capacity. When a computer becomes overloaded with data, its ability to function declines, and it eventually malfunctions, shuts down, and any data is lost. That cannot be allowed. If her anomalies continue, she will have to be recalled before she can shut down, and the data she has thus far retrieved is lost to the Data Overmind…"

For a moment, I couldn't say anything. I was seething with rage inside at how Yuki was being treated, as if she was a simple machine to be used for data gathering, and disposed of if she didn't work. Before I knew it, I had hit Emiri Kimidori with all my strength (which isn't that great), and even caused Yuki to look up in shock. But I was in full swing, now, and couldn't stop myself.

"Now you listen to me! Yuki-chan is not just some mindless automaton that can be given instructions by some dubious 'overmind' and be expected to carry them out with no opinion of her own! She may not be a'person', but she's more human than you could ever comprehend had you a thousand human lifetimes to think about it! I've seen Yuki-chan go from a reclusive little bookworm who sat in the corner reading her books to a full fledged member of the brigade, and an active and complex person! And something like you could never understand… That's right. You're not even a person. You're a 'thing'. A robot controlled by some Data Overmind that doesn't understand the first thing about human emotion! That's why it declared Yuki-chan to be anomalous! Because it can't appreciate what she has! Get it! Now get the hell out of Yuki-chan's apartment!"

"I understand your anger, Kyosuke-san." Emiri Kimidori said, wiping her cheek free of dust, and bowing politely to me, giving no indication of anger over the fact that she had just been struck by me. She simply bowed, and walked out of the apartment. Yuki stayed sitting at the table, her body shaking violently, wracked with tears. I went over to my beloved, and knelt down next to her, laying a hand on her shoulder. She looked up fearfully at me, eyes red and swollen from crying so hard.

"Yuki-chan…" I whispered.

"No! You shouldn't be here! You should never have fallen in love with me! It's your fault I'm like this!" She screamed furiously, throwing a poorly aimed punch at me. I caught it with my hand, and gently eased her hand down to her side, and instead, embraced her. I was being sickeningly romantic that night.

"Maybe I am guilty. Maybe it is my fault. If it is, I'm sorry for causing you pain. But I'll never say I'm sorry for falling in love with you. My time being friends with you has been the best year of my life. I promised Haruhi that I wouldn't make you cry. Already I've broken my promise. But I can promise that if I do make you cry, I'll hold you every time until you stop." Ugh… I can't believe the crap that's spewing from my mouth. It feels like a bad romance novel, or some stupid soap opera.

"No… P-p-please d-don't apologize… C-can't you see? I've become too anomalous. I can't stay on Earth anym-m-more… This irrational behavior; blaming you for things that can't possibly be your fault; being so afraid, and feeling so terrifyingly lonely… It's not right."

"You're wrong…" I whispered, kissing my love gently on the forehead.

"It's not wrong. It's human. It's the most human feeling in the world to feel afraid and lonely. That is part of the human condition."

"But why would humans want to live like that? Why hasn't the human race ceased to exist if we live in fear all th-the time?"

"Because as humans, we are innovative enough to find ways to suppress that loneliness and fear. We each need to find the things in our lives that can cause us to find contentment and fulfillment. Then we won't be afraid and lonely anymore. Some find fulfillment in love. Some find it in religion; some in academics. It's slightly different for each person, so nobody can tell you how you should find fulfillment."

"Y-you're smarter than people give you credit for…" Yuki said with a weak and tearful smile. Hearing this, I laughed.

"Yeah… I keep telling people that. But nobody believes me." I replied. Yuki laughed at this, and nodded, a true smile finally lighting up her features.

"Do you happen to know what the meaning of life is?" She asked with a cheerful smile that was so unlike the shy smile she had shown earlier, or the vulnerable one she had shown a few minutes ago. I sighed and shrugged.

"Can you answer a question for me first? I promise it's related."

"S-sure…"

"Will anyone ever solve the Grand Unified Theory?"

"No. The Grand Unified Theory, or the Theory of Everything is unsolvable due to the fact that the three gauge interactions: Strong, Weak, and Electromagnetic Interactions are by their very nature incompatible at any temperature that can be reached. That high temperature existed in the microseconds after the Big Bang, and have never been reached since, nor will it ever be reached again in this Universe."

"Okay then. That means that the meaning of life is inherently unknowable, just as it is impossible to know everything. Humans can only do the best they can with what they have. That's why we are always in such a hurry to make things bigger, better, and faster. Because once we have more, we can also do better."

"Kyon…" Yuki-chan whispered to me, leaning in to hug me tightly.

"Yes?" I asked. Yuki smiled up at me, and it was that same shy smile again that I had seen earlier.

"I love you. And I think I'm not afraid of it anymore."

"One step at a time, Yuki-chan… One step at a time."


End file.
